what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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