Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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