Can i not drive my cunt home
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
