it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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