and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
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She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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