you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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