The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
