You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
