i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Bang-toberfest begins!!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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