Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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