I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
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I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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