Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
