On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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