My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
