I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
