Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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