I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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