There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
