I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
