We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
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He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
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He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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