You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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