I wish I could teleport
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
