So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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