If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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