he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
