it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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