All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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