Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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