My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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