In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
