I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need a beard to bite.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
