if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
