I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
