this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I woke up under a house in Key West
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
