I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
