i love accidental penises.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
