I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
