In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
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I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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