Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
