We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
