If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
