Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
