There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
