What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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