i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
