I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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