I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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