What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
