When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
