Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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