Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
