God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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