Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Alive.
So much puke
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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