i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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